Part-Time Psychic To The Stars
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: A parody of Vampira's 'Desperate Measures.' Heero owes Wufei money and has to become a psychic to get the money. Needless to say, it's very strange...


Hello, 'tis I, GoNRA. (The NRA stands for National Redneck Association, and the name is only used for this parody and all other parodies of Vampira's fics.) I am going to be writing another parody today, one which will parodize Vampira's fic, 'Desperate Measures.' My version will be named after one of Cledus T. Judd's songs, and will be written to the song as well. I shall call my fic... Psychic To The Stars. Ready? I am, so here it is....  
  
Psychic To The Stars  
By: GoNRA  
  
Anime series: Gundam Wing  
Roman Ants/mama/alternating underwears  
lemon/lime/orange/apple/banana  
Spoilers: None, I took out the trash just a minute ago  
Parts: I finished it, but there are some pieces left over... OH, NO! LOOK OUT!  
Yaoi! That hurt!  
Sour A.I. (Watch out fer them computers)  
Pairings: Hmmm... Well, the white socks are all in the top drawer, and all the others are somewhere under the bed. They used to be white... But not since they went under my bed...  
Story Blurb: Blurble blurbedy blurburb  
  
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to my good friend GroundPigeon, who didn't exist until my last parody  
  
FYI: What does FYI mean? Oh that's what it means... Well I don't want it to mean For Your Information. I want it to mean Foolish Yellow Iggies. So that means I have nothing to write here 'cause I don't know what an iggy is, let alone a foolish yellow one.  
  
Disclaimer: I'm making a huge profit from all of the fics I've written, Gundam Wing and all associated characters and trademarks belong to ME, and I just got off the phone with a guy who wants to make a movie out of Vampira's fic and pay me for it. Soooo.... In other words I'm doing everything legally. Agree with me and I can make you filthy rich. Disagree with me and I'll send the Foolish Yellow Iggies after you.  
  
Warnings: Only one warning is necessary. I wrote this fic. Not just some normal person, but ME. You have been warned...  
  
And so begins the insanity..........  
  
  
Heero and Duo shared an apartment in America... Until some guy who called himself GoNRA gave them several million dollars and so they bought a huge mansion. But Heero foolishly gambled all of the money away. Then he found out about welfare and decided to go to them for help. They turned him down and he blew up their office, and so that left poor Heero with no money. Heero, being the nice, ind person that he was didn't want to bother Duo with his troubles so he went to Wufei for help. Nobody knows why, really, perhaps it was the fact that Wufei was a good friend of his, perhaps it was just a hunch that Wufei would loan him the money, or perhaps it was the author knocking him unconcious with the script and dragging him to Wufei's house, leaving him there with a note that asked Wufei for 300 dollars. But nobody knows for sure.  
  
//I was starin' a hole through CMT,  
watchin' everybody else and waitin' for me.  
I thought by now I'd been a household name.  
After all, I had 'If Shania Was Mine',  
'Butt Bigger Than The Beatles' got played all the time.  
Them funny videos, why they's my claim to fame.//  
  
Unfortunately for Heero, Wufei soon wanted his money back. He was at his door within a month's time, demanding it back. "I need the money back, now, Yuy. Not next year. I need it by tomorrow, because tomorrow is my poodle Sally's birthday. I need my 300 dollars to buy her a special present, or else she'll think that I just forgot her birthday, and I'd never hear the end of it." Heero's eyes widened, but before he could turn and run to the phone to call the nearest mental hospital, Wufei grabbed his wrist, forcing him to stay in place. "But... Wufei..." Heero began, but Wufei cut him off. "No buts, Yuy." "But Wufei, today is December 31st. Tomorow IS next year." Wufei glared at Heero. "I don't care, I need the money quick. Got it?" "You know I don't have the money, Wufei. That rich guy that keeps giving us millions of dollars which I keep foolishly losing while gambling doesn't come for another few days." Duo entered the room and decided to get his two cents in. "Hey, Wufei... You know where the doughnut shop is, right? Can you tell me? I can't find them anywhere!" Wufei informed Duo of the location of the doughnut shop, and Duo sighed and sat down in the middle of the living room and began to cry. "Heero doesn't get money from that weird millionaire for another week! I won't be able to get doughnuts until then!" He managed to say between sobs.  
  
//Now, all of a sudden there's a slew of comedians,  
there was even Foxworthy, and back comes Ray Stevens.  
Folks right there's some serious competition.  
I started gettin' a little bit paranoid,  
heck, if this keeps up, I'll be unemployed.  
Then all of a sudden it came to me in a vision.//  
  
Wufei muttered something under his breath. "Look, Maxwell, I don't really care about doughnuts OR the fact that Heero won't have any money for a week. I need that 300 dollars NOW. But, then again, I guess I don't need 300 dollars..." Heero smiled. "Really?" Wufei nodded his head. "Yeah, at 6% interest, my 22% capital gains, and of course an extra 3 percent for mental and emotional stress... Well, you owe me a lot more than 300 dollars." Heero's jaw dropped. "But... I don't even have 300 dollars, I can't pay you another 31%!!!" Wufei shrugged his shoulders. "You're just going to have to find a way to get ahold of it. And FAST." Heero's tone turned icy and he began to speak, but coughed up an ice cube. Heero took a few moments to warm up his tone, and then spoke. "I'll get your money. I'll have it for you tomorrow at the very latest." Then Heero walked out the door to his truck, and he stuck the key in the ignition. "Heero! Wait! Where are you going?" Duo asked, running after Heero. But Heero was practically gon... Oh, nope, he's still there. The truck won't start................................. Okay, now he's gone.  
  
//Now I'm the psychic to the stars.  
They call me up from wherever they are.  
I'm always over-booked  
and lord, my phone rings off the hook...  
I'm the psychic to the stars.//  
  
Duo ran back into the house and shot a glare at Wufei. "Wufei, if Heero does anything bad, just to get you your money, I'm going to..." Wufei cut him off quickly. "You'll be able to buy doughnuts." Duo shut up and sat down on a nearby couch, smiling happily. "Hey, wait a minute, even doughnuts aren't worth Heero doing something bad!" "Chocolate ones, powdered ones, plain ones and bearclaws..." Duo began to drool as Wufei continued listing the types of doughnuts Duo could buy. "NO! Stop! Not even all of those doughnuts are worth anything bad hapening to Heero!" And soon Wufei and Duo were involved in a heated debate about doughnuts and Heero. About an hour later, Heero returned with a Wal Mart shopping bag. "See, Maxwell? Nothing bad happened to him." Wufei said, and Heero walked over to the the table on which his and Duos phone rested. He pulled a purple tablecloth from his bag and put it over the table, and then removed a crystal ball from the bag and set it in the center of the table.  
  
//I told Tim and Faith they oughta tie the knot.  
Why ya think Deana Carters so hot?  
Boy, I'd shave my legs for a sip of that strawberry wine.  
When Mindy McCready's on my caller ID,  
I take her call immediately,  
ten thousand angels couldn't get me off of that line.//  
  
Not a minute afterwards, the phone rang, and Heero picked it up. "Hello? Yes, it is I, Madame Sir Person. Would you like me to look into your future? You want your palm read? Your on a phone, for God's sake! I can't read your palm! Moron..." Heero hung up the phone and placed his head on his hands, which he propped up on his legs. A while later, a woman walked in the door. "Madame Sir Person? Are you here?" She asked, and Heero nodded his head. "Yes, I am. Come closer, so that I may read your aura." The woman complied, and Heero nodded his head. "I predict that you will become rich and famous, and you will marry a handsome man who will carry you off into the sunset on his horse to his castle by the sea." The woman jumped in the air repeatedly, shouting happily, and thanked Heero, giving him a twenty dollar bill before running out the door. "280 dollars to go." The woman entered again a moment later and handed him a ten. "270." He said, and then the woman tossed down two more twenties and a five. "225." Heero corrected, amazed by the woman. She threw down another twenty, a ten, and a five, and then Heero yelled at her and told her to leave before he put a curse on her, and she left, throwing money inside as she walked out the door. "Hmmm... Only 130 dollars to go." Heero said, smiling as another customer entered.  
  
//Garth Brooks called dang near a hundred times,  
but I was too busy consulting Lee Anne Rhymes,  
trying to predict the number of albulms she sold last night.//  
  
He was a man of about seventy, and he looked around the room. "Greetings, sir. I am Madame Sir Person, and I will look into your future." Then Heero spent some time thinking about what to say, and finally decided. "Well, it worked last time. Okay, I predict that you will become rich and famous, and you will marry a handsome man who will carry you off into the sunset on his horse to his castle by the sea." The man scratched his head. "There's no salad bar here..." He muttered. He turned and walked towards the door, and Heero signaled to Duo to grab him. Duo tackled the man, knocking him to the ground, and then began going through his wallet. "130 dollars." Duo said, as he pulled the moneyfrom the mans wallet. "Hmmm... No, better make it 140. I want some doughnuts." Duo handed the money, with the exception of ten dollars, to Heero, and the man who had entered looking for a salad bar ran out quickly.  
  
//I had Brooks & Dunn on my conference call,  
they said "Cledus would you look into your crystal ball?"  
I said "I'd love to, boys, but I've got Tanya Tucker on hold.  
Gotta go!"  
I'm the psychic to the stars,  
they call me up from wherever they are.  
I'm always over-booked  
and lord, my phone rings off the hook...  
I'm the psychic to the stars.//  
  
"Well, here's your money, Wufei." Heero said, handing Wufei his 300 dollars. "Thanks." Wufei mumbled before walking out the door. "Well, it looks like everything turned out okay, huh, Heero?" Duo asked cheerily. "Yeah, it sure di..." Heero was cut off as three policemen entered the room, and one of them put handcuffs on him. "Hey, what are you doing? Stop it!" One of the policemen began reading Heero his rights, and Heero smiled. "I made three hundred dollars off of two customers." "310, Heero!" Duo corrected him. "Right, 310. So, officers, would you like to get a cut of the money?" The officers reluctantly removed Heero's handcuffs, and the five of them conned happily ever after.  
  
//Now I've got a new career,  
and I charge a hefty fee.  
Why, it worked for other folks,  
now it works for Cledus T.  
Call me! I'm the psychic to the stars.  
They call me up from wherever they are.  
I've got a clarvoyant sense  
for a feller that's so dense...  
I'm the psychic stars.  
Just call the psychic to the stars.//  
  
Well, looks like that's the end... Now, whatever you do... DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!!! Please? Ciao.... 


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